I feel the need to write
As not to wake my son
I go out to the lobby of our floor
I just walked by your room
I am 1152
Television noise coming from your room
It is quite loud
Are you awake?
I’ll just send you a quickie text asking this
I am sure
That I will get no reply
And of course I didn’t
What did I expect?
Do you care at all?
Is it somewhere deep within to ever really care?
For my own sanity
I shouldn’t care either
But God help me
I strongly do have feelings for you
I have tried to make a conscious effort
An intentional unliking
You, being an unintentionally wretchedly bad friend
But also the greatest man in my life
I held your manhood in my hands
But that is the extent of the “man” physics
Truth be told
I most definitely love that aspect about you!
I am so confused
You stand by your words of altruism
But from what I see
That is so far from the truth
Please, prove me wrong
I just Googled something
I am reading about this disorder
B.P.D…..so to speak
But, there is so much more to it
Is this you?
Or maybe it’s just the parts of you
That you’ve trusted to show me
Or maybe it’s me
Or maybe it’s just a part of both of us
Is that why I am here?
I’ve stumbled upon this
I am sorry if this fits
I just don’t know and would like to understand
I do love and care about you
This is way beyond my mental capabilities
From the very start of us
Just chatting in the first messages
I said that I was in this for the long haul
I felt a growing need for more of you
And this is part of you
I am so confused
Has it been God
Guiding me to this point in my life?
Am I a strong enough person?
Will I be able to grasp the understanding of this?
Why I am in this situation
Dear God please give me a sign
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